a huge vat of meshmass has been bubbling noisesomely in the centre of the warehouse for over a fortnight. on inspection all that is left from this process is the usual acrid smell and a sticky residue which we are not too proud to label FEBRUARY (produce of more than one country, may contain traces of nuts). this will soon be (all too soon – nay, is already) winging its way to disgruntled customers all over Britain and America who will find it gumming up their i-tunes, i-pads and eyewash and causing the internet slow to a crawl, swell in the middle and get indigestion. Or possibly grunting its way to whingeing customers…. who can tell? who could possibly care? so it is time to let you into a little secret. this month’s meshmass has not only been boiled, pasteurised and simmered for several weeks to reduce and thicken, but it has then been spread out to dry in front of an industrial heater fuelled by the frustrated cries of helpless maidens and cut into leathery strips which could possibly be mistaken for biltong, but taste even more peculiar. these strips were then soaked in effluent until they expanded and dissolved again, whereupon they were returned to the vat. what could be simpler or more rewarding? apart from something simple and rewarding, perhaps. anyway, this glimpse into our production values is more than you deserve, now be off with you.